truth

Truth

Daily I am confronted with what I will call my sins. Especially in regards to relationships. One in particular is worth noting but all fall into this. To say I loved her the best I could at the time would be true. And that only goes to show the hopelessly inadequate nature of my fidelity, respect, compassion, and care. There has always been a double standard, one that allowed all manner of transgressions to be committed and yet held the other to a standard far beyond anyones ability to live up to. All sacrifice mono directional and when a "sacrifice" had to be made from myself it was a cross bore shamelessly demanding recognition disproportional to the actual act.

Over two years have passed since the last meeting. It was a cold December day after days of driving back and forth traversing the state of Arkansas  multiple times the previous several days. Getting as far as Fort Smith only to turn around several times in Little Rock or Bebe getting back to Jonesboro only to drive back to Bebe. As I wore down the rubber calls would be made pleas, arguments, apologizes, accusations, and stances made.   I was ruthless, unstable, manic, and bent on destruction be it of myself or whatever relationship was in front of me.  Yet, despite my actions there was forgiveness and the offer of home, family, children, and love...if only I could turn myself around.

For several years now these actions and those of my more recent past devastate me when i am alone with myself...Requiring more distraction, more alcohol, more and more miles.  Each body that has fallen beneath mine has become a ghost...the damage inflicted on others has come back to me.  The beautiful potential unrealized undermined by the baseness of each connection. I am a liar. These past several years I have attempted to strip away artifice and see who is under the projection. Many hours of counseling and thousands of dollars later showed me only that I was a hurting child who never learned to forgive and turned all the anger and devastation into a weapon of indiscriminate emotional violence.

Forgiveness. Undeserved as it is. but i am sending this out as a prayer, a thought, a hope. I have made my path and must walk it but I apologize to you. And not just you but to anyone that has tasted my selfishness.