all in

Restless. My fingers are burnt and stained with tobacco. The consistency of my blood is probably more akin to something found in a French Press rather than anything human. Weeks away, merely weeks, the tentative departure to Africa and still where is the plane ticket where is the certainty? Living with ambiguity is dandy as long there is nothing on the line. I'm all in, no aces in the hole nor up my sleeve and I've got nothing left to lose if this falls through. Sacrifice after sacrifice relationship after relationship has suffered and my alleged "selfishness" has been the cause of many arguments and controversy. A friend asked me what if this doesn't pan out...I couldn't answer. Even the possibility of this not working out petrifies me. The only response was simply that "i'm all in" to which was asked where will you go. Silence again, although my thoughts spoke loud and clear...the ground...but you can't say that to people...

The depth of this need to get across the ocean is non rational....completely and utterly non rational. I need this.

Perhaps I'm struggling to convince myself of my own validity and worth. That I have some fucking reason to be sucking air and taking up space....that if i go and do this...i've validated my existence. Maybe I won't be worthless...

I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone other than myself...